Yesterday, Tanya spoke about the importance of truth in a family and how there are no secrets in hers’. Then the subject came up again in a TV drama. Secrets and lies are the lifeblood of drama as we watch peoples’ lives come crashing down as a result of their deceptions. A recent conversation with a blogger was also about honesty and integrity as she gave me good advice, telling me not to get into the kink scene without being completely open with my wife whether she herself gets into or not – tell her everything.
I still have so many secrets. I tell myself it’s part of my nature and that all Geminis are secretive but I don’t know how long I can keep on with so many parallel stories, different web-identities, compartmentalising myself like this when what I really want is one big open, up-front, take-it-or-leave-it version of me. Put everything together:
- Rope bottom
- Abandoned spaces
- Naked yoga
- Human behaviour
I know that my family, circle of friends, job and society would not readily accept the above version of me (the real me), under just one name. I would lose my job. I would put enormous strain on my family. I would find out who my real friends are though!
I’m 57 and I feel less brave than I used to when I was younger but I crave a big change in my life that will allow me to live with the honesty and integrity I mentioned at the beginning of this piece. And furthermore, I could live without shame, guilt and fear. I will need to embrace pain, hurt and conflict…. (which is ironic given my interest in BDSM).
What I’ll miss most when Tumblr activates its 1990’s image-recognition software to pick up flesh tones and become the moral guardian I never asked for is the random and eclectic mix of content:
[scroll]….. a dog on a skateboard… [scroll]…. a cock buried to the hilt inside someone’s ass…[scroll]… a cute kitten… [scroll]…. a medieval map of Europe… [[scroll]… naked yoga… beautiful nudes…. boundary pushing nudes with dirt, soil, soul, angst, body fluids…. shibari, rope, male nudity…. flaccid, erect… who cares? I’m an adult, I can make my own mind up. … [scroll]… the northern lights…. space… a lake in a desert.
Tumblr, Verizon, yahoo: fuck you, you spineless, lazy fuckwits!
DAY 10: HOW FAR…
What are your hard limits?
Needle play. Drawing of blood. Knives. Sounding. Ball kicking. I don’t want to go there!!! 😳
I don’t think I have a problem with pain – But I’m squeamish and not into things that could cause permanent damage or scarring.
DAY 9 : LISTEN…
Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy. Describe why it works for you.
It’s taken me a while to decide on this one. A more recent track is by Goldfrapp. It’s called ‘Strict Machine’ and, like many of the tracks on Black Cherry, it explores her dark and kinky side.
The other one goes back to my childhood – Nancy Sinatra – ‘These Boots are made for Walking’.
Even as a child, the line “one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you” filled me with curiosity. Now I imagine, stilettos, thigh high boots, rubber and rope.
DAY 8 : LOOK!
Post a kinky image you find erotic. Briefly describe what arouses you most in the image.
I love old Japanese depictions of Shibari. There’s something raw and honest about them. This one is from 1978, well before Shibari/Kinbaku became more well-known outside Japan. I find them arousing because they hold back and rarely depict sexual acts but they’re far from innocent. I can see that what could follow is likely be erotic, raw and raunchy. But the pictures capture a moment before that occurs. I imagine myself in their position, restrained, open and vulnerable – waiting….
DAY 7 : YOUR TOYBOX…
What’s your favourite toy or item of equipment?
I can say without hesitation, it’s my rope. I love the feel of it. How it restrains me but is also like an embrace. There has to be something in that. Something psychological even. Its smell and texture….
When I’m not using it, it’s carefully wrapped in a brightly coloured scarf. Tess found it and asked me about it. I told her what I do and how I’d love her to tie me. She was concerned for my safety in self-ties (which was kind of sweet) but hasn’t asked about it since (which isn’t kind of sweet). Unless it ceases to become a taboo subject, my rope will, as well as being my favourite thing, also be a source of sadness and regret.
DAY 6 : FANTASIES…
Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
I’ve struggled to get past this one and it’s already November 16th so now I’ve got ten more to write. I didn’t want it to become a chore so I’m taking my time. I hoped it would help me discover more about myself and work out what to do but that hasn’t taken form yet…
I think the phrase that keeps reoccurring in my mind is ‘be assertive’.
I’m married to a lovely woman who, unfortunately has no interest in kink. It never comes up unless I pluck up the courage to be the the first. And the reason I say I have to pluck up the courage is because her responses are varied and unpredictable including mild interest, changing the subject, ridicule, anger and shaming.
I’d like it to be ‘that sounds like great fun’ or ‘let’s try that’. My friend, Anna, once said that kink could be erotic, serious or intense but it could just as likely be funny or feel as ordinary as having a cup of tea. I like that. Bondage and tea.
So because kink isn’t a part of my intimate relationship with my wife, I guess everything I think of is a fantasy. So, for me, none are ‘weirder’ than any other.
The ones that stand out:
Sex in front of an audience
Being the only naked person in a room full of people.
Being deprived of my senses and made to wait.
Writing this reminds me that I have explored some of these themes in my first attempts at erotic fiction, ‘Denied’. I’ve written three chapters so far. Here’s a link to the first part.